in an answer to several prayers (i guess even God kills two birds with one stone) bryan and i were invited to join a couples bible study at the end of the summer, where “newlyweds” of up to five years meet every other week to discuss scripture (1st john) as well as a spiritually themed novel chosen by vote. we are four chapters deep into “love and respect” by emerson eggerichs.

first of all, let me just say that meeting and talking with other young, married people on a regular basis is like being assigned a roommate your freshman year of college and discovering that conveniently, you both have an ear for good music! you enjoy the same food! you like to go to bed and wake up at the same hour, and you both have a quirky laugh and get shy in big groups and sometimes cry for no reason! you do and think similarly. in other words, you’re normal. in this case, our marriage and its disfuntional moments are validated by other couples saying, “that’s us too.” it’s all understood by them, by people on the outside of our relationship, and it feels good.

i don’t know why it took us so long to find these amazingly normal people.

though we’re finally *somewhat* getting the hang of it two years in, there are times when bryan and i still fight, to prove a point, to be right, to satisfy our own selfishness, to be annoying. we’ll argue in circles for twenty minutes about an issue that shouldn’t have been an issue fifteen minutes ago. but the refreshing realization that we’re not alone in this is enough to make me want to keep going. they don’t say that marriage isn’t easy for no reason. no good relationship is. but there’s no reason to hide the struggle either, especially when there are enough people in the same boat as you to fill noah’s ark.

as for the book “love and respect,” it’s got a sound biblical concept. (warning: it still has its share of biased and overgeneralized comments.) using scripture as its support, the book explores the idea that as our genders differ, so do our needs. while women primarily need to feel loved in a committed relationship, men need to feel respected, and it should be a carefully equalized balance, which sounds easy. yet while today *love* has a big spotlight on it at all times, the concept of respect in a relationship is not emphasized in our society. then throw in the challenge of a woman being called to offer respect when she feels unloved, or for a man being called to offer love when he feels disrespected.

not so easy.

this dorky writer goes on further to explain two cycles that operate cyclically in relationships (with no beginning or end):

the crazy cycle says
without love: she reacts: without respect: he reacts:

the energizing cycle says
her respect: motivates : his love: motivates:

he says someone in the marriage (and it doesn’t really matter who) has to choose to jump off the crazy cycle and get on the energizing cycle by proving behaviorally either unconditional love or unconditional respect (depending on the gender) toward the other person. that then “energizes” the other person to also step off the crazy cycle. but it can’t happen until someone makes that first move – that is, someone first respecting, or someone first loving, even if the time or place does not seem convenient, or the feeling behind it isn’t quite there.

i’m learning that the initial move from one cycle to the other is essential, and it’s not just a one-time decision. that move is one that must be made before each time i am about to say or do something careless toward bryan. i have that power to place our relationship on the energizing cycle over and over again, whenever it falls off i can put it back on. simply by being respectful and understanding his needs.

i was talking with my sis-in-law the other day about several things that i have been admiring about bryan lately. these past couple weeks he’s been exceptionally focused, hard working and helpful in terms of serving me in those moments when i need it most. at some point my sentence faded out and i realized, here i was telling her about this energizing laundry list, and i hadn’t shared any of it with him.

and i know i’m not the only one who does this. (remember the college roommate that dunks their oreos the same way?) i’m sure others talk positively about their spouse to friends, and not necessarily to the one that needs to hear it most. but if we start talking to each other directly, these are the kinds of motions that turn on that energizing cycle, one that now spins a few revolutions for bryan and me before we fall off again and have to start all over.

but, that’s normal.