sometimes i play mental games to the extreme that i paralyze myself (let’s not talk about the fact that this topic actually has something to do with my last post being about SUMMER). do it, don’t do it. take it off the shelf, put it back on. it’s worth it, it costs too much (save your heart the trouble, i tell myself). embrace, shed. let it go, hold onto it. care more, care less (save your heart the trouble, i tell myself). a brace holds me in and tightens up, refusing my spirit of growth.
if i boil it down, i hate to admit that it really comes down to fear, and fear somehow on its own breeds a lot of ugly offspring like insecurity, apathy, selfishness and loneliness. i fear that i will hurt feelings, or am doing the wrong thing, or will be misunderstood. maybe i’ll dig myself deeper and be worse off. or, maybe i’m disregarding God’s will. maybe i am unknowingly stocking up on disappointment and regret.
speaking of regret, it’s been posed to me that perhaps the only tears we shed after this life will be of pure regret, in the first moments of standing in Jesus’ presence, all too aware of what we could have done on this earth but didn’t. a beautiful image when we can rest assured He will wipe them away, but …
this paralysis: i don’t want to give in. i also don’t want to offend. in an effort to stay balanced i don’t extend at all beyond myself. i stand in the same spot as where you maybe last found me, wanting to take a definitive step but just circling instead, trying to choose my direction.
this is uncharacteristic of me and also contrary to what i’m learning. i’m learning anew what it means to walk this life. i’ve been born into a forgiveness that has no room for fear, only joy. i’ve been bought by someone Else’s sweat equity that compares to nothing i could do on my own. the result isn’t timid and it’s not for those who want to just lean against the wall.
life is overwhelming at times, even my little, predictable, precedented life, especially in the context of being a Christ-centered person. but 2012, here in just a week, is full of hope. with a new calendar year i have even more reason to push off the wall and walk in a confident direction gripping not fear, but forgiveness.
